Lost Film Fest

Okay, so a little while ago someone posted to YouTube the Springer episode I was on with dear old friends Justin Pearson (The Locust, Some Girls, Ground Unicorn Horn, Swing Kids, Struggle, etc), Alysia, and Christine. The Locust are going to be starting a tour to support their new album shortly, so in honor of the tour.. and new beginnings.. Here are the 2 segments we were in. How it happened is a long stupid story, so I'll post it right here. I'm in the second segment if you want to skip to it.. umm.. yeah.

part 1

part 2

The Whole Idiotic Story

I was in SoCal for a memorial show in 1999 for a friend of mine (Eric Allen from Unbroken/Swing Kids). My ex gf Carissa and I were staying with Justin in San Diego afterwards. I called my voicemail and discovered that my house had been robbed back in Philly, so in order to cheer myself up I made a bunch of prank phone calls. This included one to the Jerry Springer show. I left a voicemail telling them that I was sleeping with Justin, Alysia (his gf), and Christine (his roommate), and i wanted to blow the lid off the whole thing.

The producer called back, and left a message asking for me to call back "anytime"..

While in california, I discovered that a ton of my friends had started getting into the film industry, and on the plane ride home I sat next to then completely unknown actor at the time, Peter Saarsgard (who showed me the script for as yet unmade Boys Don't Cry). We chatted it up, and by the end of the flight I decided that my new direction was going to be with doing indie films.

I got home to philly, only to discover that my house had been broken into a few more times (with some kids staying there - long story..don't ask).. and all my stuff was gone, guitars, amps, tools.. whatever.. I was super bummed out.. So, as I sat up late at night I remembered that the producer of the springer show told me to call him back "anytime" and 4am was as good a time as any..
So I woke the producer up, expecting him to be really irritated, but he was thrilled that I called. He was practically yelling in my ear, "CAN YOU FLY TO CHICAGO TOMORROW???!!" and I was like " uhhhhh", completely not expecting him to be receptive...

Then the bomb dropped.

He asked me if I was making the story up, and that if I was in fact fibbing, so I thought about it for a moment.. and replied..

"Do you think I would lie to the american public about this serious matter?? Do you think I would expose my personal life to the world all for a prank? a hoax? a sham? I've never been so insulted in all my life.. harumph!" or, something ridiculous like that.

So he said.. "okay okay..now we just need to call the others to corroborate the story.."

So I gave him the phone #'s of the other kids...

And immediately I called Justin.

Now, you should know that for as rockstarry as JP can be, he sure goes to bed at a reasonable hour. By this time it was around 2am San Diego time, and he answered "Beibin!! Why are you calling me so late??!".. and I said "get a pen..I have to tell you something." He gets a call waiting beep and tells me to hold on a sec...

He comes back and says "dude! It's Jerry Springer" and I say "yeah.. I know"!
So Justin and I go over the whole scenario, and the next thing you know we're all on airplanes to go to Chicago..in the dead of winter. In the early 90's I lived in Mpls for a hot (or cold) minute so I was ready for what was instore weatherwise.. I was bundled in a gazillion layers, and looked somewhat like Kenny from South Park. Of course, JP, Alysia, and Christine showed up from San Diego wearing cloth jackets and tight pants. (This didn't go over well in the zero degree weather, and as a result Christine felt ill almost immediately and went to bed. JP and Alysia were on a downward spiral as well).

We were all supposed to be put up in different hotels and not know that we were all in Chicago, however the Springer people were very sloppy about this, putting Christine and I in rooms next to each other at the Congress, and our food vouchers were switched in the envelopes.

I was pretty stoked on the $75 food vouchers, but discovered I could only use them for room service in the hotel. So I ordered a vegan 10" pizza, and orange juice - (The pizza was $65 and the oj was $12. Some bargain..eh?)

One of my old pals from Chicago came over to the hotel to stay over. Our plan was to plant him in the audience the next day to further add to the assaholicositude (it's a real word, look it up in the dickshinary) of the whole thing.

JP, Alysia and I met latenight at their hotel to discuss out plans for the next day. They were both getting sick, so our meeting lasted a very short time...but it did include some practice kung-fu flying kicks, and a little bit about the plot. We were all under the impression that I was going to be brought out first, and then Justin..etc.. Our one agreement was that we'd beat the crap out of each other on stage, makeout, and be totally trashy, but we'd remain good friends after it was all over.

So we show up at NBC in the morning after we're picked up in a limo. They exclaim to us with fantastic pride that it's the same limo they bring Oprah to the station in, and we're all like "who the fuck cares?..."

We're separated into different rooms.

The producer comes up to me asking if I really love Justin, I'm like "yeah! of course!" and he's like "enough to kiss him?"

Then I say, "yeah..and much more! I want to make it really steamy!"

He replies and says, "enough to give him a BIG WET KISS?"...

[The thing to keep in mind here is that the producer did this completely revolting thing with his tongue that I wish I could show you all here when he said "BIG WET KISS". Just imagine someone mouthing the words ..PEACH..PLUM..ALFALFA]

His assistant asked me if I wanted anything, so I asked for juice..and what did they bring me? JOLT cola!! Yes, there was a case of Jolt, a bowl of chocolates, a tray of brownies, and noDoz tablets sitting out on a table. I pondered whether they were suggesting something by providing these goodies..

I was in the room with this gangsterish guy from Cincinatti who was all furious at his friend for allegedly talking shit about him to this girl they were both sleeping with. The producer kept egging him on to kick the other guys ass. When the producer left, I went over to him and he's flexing his muscles, beating his chest, ready to beat in his friends head.. So I talk to him about it. In the end I feel like I've done my good deed for the day by convincing him that he should be mad at the girl for playing them both, and he's like "Aiight, Ima flip tha script"...I'm like "yeaaahhhh!!".. (If you see the episode in full, you'll see that what he does in the end is pretty cool.)

All the other people in the room are for sure all about bullshit, and making their stories up.

The Producer notices the shirt I'm wearing. It was a tight black shirt with some arabic writing on it, and he asked me what it said. It actually said "Morocco", but to be a jerk I told him it meant "Jihad! kill the western infidels"..which was a huuge mistake.. because he took me back to another room and made me put on new clothes...then brought the makeup artist in to do my hair. "Make him look like Ducky"..he says. (if anyone here remembers Pretty in Pink and other John Hughes films from the 80's, they'll know what I mean.)

So here I was, returning to the room, looking like I did when I was in 9th grade with a mushroom haircut... everything was going wrong. I no longer looked like a trashy rocker...though, in some ways I think it's even funnier that I looked the way I did because it juxtaposed so well with my other friends, and made me look like such a jerk.

I'm readied to go out when I heard the cheering in the stage area, and I'm a bit perplexed. I thought that I was going to be brought out first.

JP, Alysia, and Christine were on stage already, the audience is going crazy. While backstage I notice JP getting dragged out and roughed up by the security people, getting a bloody nose, then brought back on.. I'm like wtf? and all nervous because it's going differently than we planned. yikes!

I'm not sure what to do or how it will go. I was guessing that I'd have to adlib and make the best of it.

So while backstage, listening to all the crap that was happening with my friends, I hear a familiar voice yelling out nonsequiturs. It was my friend I brought along with me yelling "igloo! potato! mustache!" the people around him were yelling "Shut the fuck up!" My friend by the way was wearing a hawaiian shirt, a squirting flower, and a sheriffs badge.

I'm at the entrance way to the stage.. and getting super nervous. I hear thumps against the wall of the set. The crowd is stomping and screaming "Jerry! Jerry!"

I come out and take a bow... Wow! The stage is totally fucking TINY, and there are only a few rows of audience members. I was totally under the impression that it was a big set, but it's all about the camera lenses - giant fisheye lenses!

So, yeah.. The audience goes wild. Alysia throws a bunch of books at me. everyones fighting, and I'm trying as hard as I can to get the smirk off my face from seeing Alysia in that giant shirt.

Then.. of course I sit down with Justin and we start making out. More books get thrown, we're all beating the shit out of each other. I grab justins leg and pull his pants up and start biting it for the camera (not shown on tv).. we do flying kung fu kicks and I fall on my ass off the balsa wood chair. A ton of stuff happened that was edited out... and really, for the editor of this segment to make any fucking sense out of our story should win that person a medal.

The snot rocket actually happened after Justin spat on the stage, and the guards dragged him out. They punched him in the nose, so what he was actually blowing out was not just snot, it was blood too..

At the end of the show they have the audience feedback bit with Jerrys' words of wisdom. The way it appeared on television wasn't how it went down at all.

At the beginning of that segment they brought all of us out on stage. Christine and I were sitting in the corner of the stage. Justin and Alysia were somewhere in the middle back row as far as I remember..

The commercial break ended, and Mr. Springer started to speak. I stood up and interrupted him, "Jerry, I have an announcement to make!"..

I held Christines hand, and led her to the front of the stage.

Both of the stage camera people joined us and stuck their lenses in our faces.. So we moved closer, and bumped noses..It was very cute.. I began:

"Christine, do you remember when I said that 'I love You' and we should be together forever in a committed relationship?"

She responded "yes" with her eyes shyly turned to the ground.

The audience said "awwwwww.."...

I looked up and slowly started to speak, "well...."

THEN all of a sudden my eyes lit up, and in my most wacky clown voice I exclaimed "I WAS ONLY KIDDING!!"

So she punches me in the face, we fall over members of the audience, the crowd goes crazy. Steve the big bald guard grabs me with one hand and carries me over to the other side of the stage and asks me "What the hell is wrong with you", and I say "bwaaaa, shut up!" in a Bugs Bunny voice.

My friend who was wearing the Hawaiian Shirt, squirting flower, and sheriffs badge stood up and spoke in a very evangelical baritone resembling Reverend Lovejoy " I have a question for "the rockstar".. What would JESUS say about all of this. (This was cut from the show)

The folks from the Springer show were fairly furious with us, and we didn't get to meet Jerry.

They put all of us into cabs and sent us straight to the airport. The jerks at NBC didn't book flights, so JP, Alysia, and Christine had to wait forever to get someone on the phone. I was okay, because my plan was to spend the week hanging out in Chicago anyhow..
After this was on, almost all of my neighborhood in west Philly would chant "Jerry, Jerry" when I came around.. It really got on my nerves. I should have figured that most of my neighborhood would keep up with the springer show.
I have a diabolical plan to go back on one of those shows, but I'd really like it to be good. I don't really watch TV anymore, so I have no idea what show is all the rage. Please advise..

The end.

lovest Scott Beibin